170s are over!

I have officially left the 170s behind, and now weigh 168.2 lbs as of this morning's weigh-in. I am so excited! I seem to have found a balance with my diet, and even exercise, and I'm seeing results!!!

Since January, I'm down 18lbs. That's after 8 months of stalled weight loss, so I'm very pleased to see weight coming off regularly now.

In other news, I may have a second job, I'll find out on the 15th for sure. It will be a huge help to my family, so I'm really hoping I get it!

Things are going quite well at the moment, yay for happy times!

-N.

Brief Update

I got a job!

Apparently my daughter made such a good impression on the daycare staff at the gym where I work out, that they asked if I wanted a job. I said yes, and now I'm three weeks in already! I love it, especially because I get paid to do what I was doing at home.

I've literally been forcing myself to choke down a salad almost daily. I fucking hate salad. It doesn't matter how I make it, I still end up feeling nauseous while eating it. Lettuce is just so gross. Seriously, I would rather eat worms than salad. But stupid salad is actually working. I've lost 5 lbs since my last doctor's appointment, and by next week I should be into the 160s.

That's pretty exciting. I still would rather eat worms though. 

Nothing New

It's been two weeks since my doctor's appointment. I've been careful to eat at least two cups of vegetables and fruit daily, and I've been working out more on top of doing more activities on my off days. I've started forcing myself to eat salad again, since my doctor recommended I eat at least one daily.
I got a job at the gym's day care, which is awesome since it will give me my membership and childcare for free.

Despite exercising more, and eating even healthier, and having a decent deficit for calories at the end of the day (Most of the time), I've managed to gain weight again. It's only a pound, but I'm still very agitated by the fact. I spent Friday and Saturday in NY with Beth, and we walked pretty much everywhere (We went to the Met and I finally got to see exhibits I wanted to see), despite the extremely oppressive heat. I made decent food choices, and I still gained.

I also quit the facebook group I had joined for moms trying to lose weight. I found some of the women to be preachy, judgmental, insufferable cunts about EVERYTHING, including what heart rate monitor to buy. Apparently if you don't buy a Polar brand monitor with a chest strap, it's a waste of money *eye roll*. I don't need constant monitoring, I just want to confirm that the machines I'm using are accurate. It was demotivating to read posts there day in and day out. The way I see it, I can find, and have found better women, and men to help support me (Thank you MFP!).

Anyway, I'm tired of thinking about this shit, and I have to get dressed for the gym.
If I don't see any progress in the next couple of weeks I'm going to look elsewhere for help with weight loss.

I'd rather be napping,
-N.

Doctor Follow-Up

So I had my follow-up with my doctor today. She had me keep a food journal, and sent me for blood work.

She tested my cholesterol, my thyroid, my fasting glucose, and a couple of other things.

They all came back pretty much perfect, except my cholesterol, which is slightly elevated for bad, and slightly low for the good.

In the three weeks between visits, I didn't gain or lose any weight. I went back to the gym even harder than before, did as she asked and upped my calories, and tried to eat as healthy as possible.

She says I'm not eating enough fruits and veggies, which I sort of knew. Some days, I just don't get to it.

I also need to cut honey out of my morning tea and replace it with stevia.

But other than that, I'm just...obese.

I also lost my gym partner to grad school, and haven't found a new one, which leaves me less motivated. I hate the judgmental stares (real and imagined) I get from people, and they're certainly easier to ignore when I have someone with me. I'm more self-conscious than I was before.

Most of my workout clothes had to be thrown out because the seams in the thighs burst open from wear. That's definitely an enormous blow to my ego, it's like "Hey fatty fatty, just give up, we can't contain your disgusting cottage cheese thighs with mere cotton thread."

I'm sad, and I want to cry. I still feel like garbage most days, but I push through it and go to the gym even if it's only for half an hour. I ate a klondike bar tonight to make myself feel better.

I am not on the right path.

Again, far too long between posts.

Boy has my summer been busy! I've gotten back to the gym, and have been working out harder than before.
I finally had my appointment with the doctor yesterday. It went very well, and she spent about an hour with me. We discussed the usual things one would expect from an appointment about weight loss issues.

She's sending me for blood tests to check my thyroid, my fasting glucose levels, and several other things to see if she can determine the problem. She also suggested that because of my level of activity, that I'm not taking in enough calories. She suggested I increase my intake to 1500 calories to see if there's any improvement. She is also having me keep a food diary for two weeks, and I have a follow-up with her in three.

I hope I can get to the bottom of the issue, because I'm still sitting at 176lbs. It's frustrating!

I will post my results from the follow-up when I get them!

-Nicole.

Memorial Day Weekend

So all of my excitement from my last update was for naught. I was down to 176, and holding when Friday rolled around. I knew that we had several barbeques to attend, so I made sure to mind how much food, and what I took in.
Friday and Saturday we didn't do much. I was ill with stomach issues, so I wound up laying in bed a lot both days. I finally gained my appetite back, and ate a bagel and a plain hamburger on Friday night.
Saturday we ran errands, and while Mike ate at the mall, I ate small meals before and after and sipped iced tea while he had hot dogs.
Sunday was BBQ numero uno, I had a hot dog and hamburger along with some baked beans for lunch. I snacked on Carrots, celery, and cucumber from the crudites plate, but avoided the ranch dressing. I had a couple of peanut butter cookies and an Italian knot over the course of the day as well. That is significantly less than my standard fare at a cookout. I was feeling proud of myself.
Monday was Memorial Day, and I always go to the parade in Trumbull and watch from a family friend's yard. They have a big cookout each year. I had a hamburger, a couple of carrot sticks, and some of the kielbasa I made. I drank water and iced tea. I wasn't hungry, and I felt good about my choices.
Yesterday I took Eisley to the zoo with my mom, we did two laps around the place because Eisley managed to sleep through the first, haha. My mom had a cheeseburger and fries. I shared a popsicle with E, and stole a couple of leftover fries from my mom. I had steak and corn for dinner.

I felt very proud of my choices over the weekend, as they are much improved from how I would normally eat on a holiday weekend.
I stepped on the scale this morning for my weekly weigh-in, and I managed to gain back all 5 pounds I had lost, as well as an additional pound, bringing me back up to 181.

I haven't worked out at all lately, unless you count running around after a toddler for hours on a daily basis, so I know that I haven't been doing myself any favor, but I'm still disappointed.
The only good news is, is that today, for the first time in weeks, I feel normal. I'm not exhausted to the point of being barely able to function. I feel like I could go to the gym, which I may actually do tonight if I still feel up to it.

I really need to call that doctor's office and see if there are any cancellations that have opened spots up so I can get my thyroid checked out sooner.

Well, that's all for the moment.
-Nicole

Weekend Update

So just a quick little blurb since I haven't been posting much lately. I'm finally into the 170s! I've maintained 176 for over a week now, which is pretty freaking awesome! I have not been to the gym though since the end of April. I just seriously have not been feeling well at all. I blame the weather, because it's been mostly cold and rainy for weeks, although the last three days have been wonderful!

I'm going to try and get back into working out again starting on Monday. I hate having to start over, but at least it's not years between visits this time.

Anyway, I'm going to head to the park in a bit and I've said all I need to say!

-Nicole

Jeans pt III!

Yes, another update about jeans.
It's a good one!

The size 18 jeans Mike bought for me several weeks ago no longer fit. Eisley pretty much pantsed me in front of a couple of clients today while I was doing a cut. They were already baggy everywhere except the waist when I bought them, but now even the waist is extremely loose. I also saw 180 lbs for the first time in months on the scale. Hopefully it sticks!!!

Last weekend was great, Mike and I did a walk on the Rail Trail (aka Freedom Trail) in Trumbull with Eisley in the stroller. We went from the center of town to Whitney ave, and back. Round-trip it's about 6 miles if you go according to the trail marking benches every half-mile. It felt awesome!

This week I have felt so incredibly unmotivated and exhausted. I'm blaming this crappy crappy weather, and my new Kindle Fire that Mike gave me. I hope the weather goes back to the warm sunny stuff we have been having, because I hate feeling like such a sloth.

Anyway, just a short update, hopefully more posts of this nature in the coming weeks!
I'm hoping to be back into a size 10 by my birthday in December.

-Nicole

Jeans part II

Sunday was laundry day for me, and I ran out of my cozy and familiar yoga/stretch pants that I live in exclusively. I had a lunch date with my friend Tim, and because it was in the mid-fifties and pouring rain I figured a skirt or dress would be exceptionally inappropriate. I figured that at some point I'm going to have to ACTUALLY wear the jeans Mike bought, so now was as good a time as any. They were surprisingly comfortable, although way too baggy everywhere except my waist (although I suppose that will change if I just keep working at it).  I actually went out of the house wearing them, and didn't feel majorly self-conscious (Then again, I was also wearing two long shirts and a hoodie), so I would call it a win!

I was definitely naughty this weekend. I ate ate restaurants several times, and I made brownies. I ate grilled fish when we went to CB (Cracker Barrel), and some fried okra instead of fries. I actually ate a biscuit for the first time in months too. I went to TGIF on Sunday with Tim, and got a sirloin with broccoli and sweet potato fries. The steak was horrid and I couldn't finish it. I had a tiny burger from Wendy's on Saturday while running errands with Mike, but it made me so sick I won't be returning there any time soon.

This totally extreme changing weather is killing me. The warm sunny weather makes me happy and active, and I'm more apt to work out as well as do activities, but this cold cloudy borderline Winter weather that pops up puts me back into hibernation mode. I'm absolutely a Summer person, sunshine and heat make me happy. I'm like a turtle in that aspect. So because the weather this week went back and forth a whole bunch, I ended up craving chocolate in a majorly awful way, and begged Mike to buy me brownie mix. It was so not worth it, because yesterday I gorged myself on the remainder of the pan (1/3 of a 9x12), and made myself seriously ill, plus I drank more milk than I have in weeks. I probably won't be making brownies again for a long while.

Last night Mike had work, so I cooked him a fresh steak when he came home. He ate one piece, and hated it, so I wound up eating it despite not being hungry, so it wouldn't end up sitting in the fridge until it was fridge clean out day on Sunday. Mike likes salt, so I rubbed salt, pepper, and garlic powder onto the steak before broiling it...I cut down my salt intake a ton because I was constantly feeling awful after eating salty foods. The steak was definitely more salty than I normally eat, but it was tolerable.

I woke up this morning to my kidneys hurting terribly (gee, I wonder why), I'm going to stick to my own marinades from now on, and if Mike doesn't like it he can eat something else (No offense Bub!)

Anyway, I'm going to venture off to the gym in an hour after peak usage has waned so I can find a parking spot that isn't in the overflow lot and hope that I can drink enough water today to clear out all the salt from my system.

-Nicole

Jeans

It's been far longer between posts than I have cared to go! I've been a bit busy though, so I suppose it's expected.

So I the scale hasn't changed any in weeks, beyond the constant up and down of three pounds every few days. I have noticed though, that my stomach is no longer as flabby and droopy as it has been for the last year. It's been shrinking down over the past few weeks, enough so that I went and bought some jeans. They're size 18, but pretty much only fit on the waist, everything else is really baggy. I haven't worn them yet, but they're a goal for me to work towards to. I'm hoping that by June I can wear them, or even perhaps be in a size 16.

I've cut back on my dairy intake a LOT. I have pretty much only been eating greek yogurt in the morning, and a little splash of milk in coffee or tea if I'm so inclined.

My appetite is back to what it was pre-pregnancy, which makes me happy because I hope it will allow me to go back to normal faster.

I'm still struggling with eating as healthy as possible, but I'm doing my best. I'm eating grilled options instead of fried at restaurants if we go out, and trying to stick to steamed vegetables instead of french fries.

I'm going to start measuring and photographing my progress beginning Monday. I hope I continue to see some changes!

-Nicole

Easter Sunday

This weekend was Easter. I made a vow to try and keep away from all of the typical sweet temptations that come along with any holiday. I had to cook for my mom (I make perogies every year), but I managed to resist eating spoonfuls of potato filling like I normally do. I made four dozen perogies, and didn't make any for myself!

Anyway, I digress. I kept myself insanely busy this week. Eisley and I went for walks Monday and Tuesday evening with one of my nearest and dearest friends and her daughter. Wednesday we went to Mommy and Me and the gym. Thursday we went to the gym, the mall to pick up a few things, and to the park for a walk. Friday I took off because I was very tired. Saturday we were back at the gym, and for the first time in months, Eisley didn't shed a tear! We also went shopping and to the park for a while.

SO, back to Sunday. We went to my mom's house for brunch around 10:30. I ate a bit of kielbasa, and a couple of perogies (I had to make sure they were acceptable ;-) ), and then left to go to dinner with Mike's family. We walked to the restaurant because it was so gorgeous outside and it's like half a mile down the road. I thought I could at LEAST find one food to eat at the restaurant, but I was mistaken. I couldn't stomach any of the stuff in the buffet, so I sat and watched everyone else eat. I did eat a couple of cream puffs for dessert, but that was about it. I was STARVING last night, so I ate a banana.

Tomorrow I'll be back at the gym, and weather permitting, taking a walk in the evening. I'm still floating between 180-185 lbs, which is still discouraging. I'm trying to cut down on my milk intake, since I have a serious addiction to it and can never seem to drink enough. I'm hoping maybe since it's my last thing I have yet to remove from my diet that maybe it will help. Also, I am happy to report that Eisley is fully weaned, which is a huge relief and also hopefully helpful in my quest. I really need to call the doctor's office and ask if they have a cancellation list I can get on in hopes of getting a closer appointment.

I think that's it for now!

-Nicole

I have the worst luck

I really do. I broke my toe last weekend while cleaning the house and it put my out of commission for a few days. My toe was so swollen, I couldn't get my shoe on. I have those Nike running shoes that don't have a tongue, but instead are a solid piece and I couldn't squeeze my foot into it without causing major amounts of pain to myself. My toe was finally small enough that Wednesday I was able to get my sneaker back on, but after Mommy and Me Eisley had a major meltdown so I took her home to nap. My toe is still grossly swollen, and I think that its new bulbous shape might be a permanent change.

 I also saw a chiropractor on Wednesday afternoon and got an adjustment, which was desperately needed because I have been having serious problems with my back and shoulders to the point of barely being able to tolerate it. I have a follow-up today and I'm definitely looking forward to it, even though I felt better after the appointment I'm still having a lot of problems with my shoulders and neck, so I am hoping this appointment will give me more relief.

I am looking forward to going back to the gym tomorrow morning again, I've missed it.

Down Day

I'm having a down kind of day. I didn't sleep well last night due to being ill, and I didn't feel much better this morning so I skipped the gym. I'm just so terribly frustrated with the effort I'm putting into trying to lose weight only to have the opposite results. It's disheartening to say the least.

At this rate, I know I won't be in a better bathing suit this summer, which really sucks. I wanted to look nice for the first time in two years.

Tonight I'm going for a walk with the family, and then maybe the gym after dinner.


Boo.

-Nicole

Gross Gym Habits

Last night I went back to the gym for a quick run, so I would have at least done a little bit of a workout. I managed to do 25 minutes going between 4.7- and 5.5 mph, which is pretty good considering!

Anyway, the gym was crowded, as it usually is after dinner so I took the only open elliptical machine next to this guy who was chugging along at a steady pace. He was on the machine before I got to mine, continued to go until about three minutes before I was done. He hopped down, put his backpack on, and WALKED AWAY! What the hell! He was pouring sweat when he was on the machine, I could clearly see his nasty ass hand prints on the handles, and he just left it!!! I spent a year and a half working at a gym, and even though there was significantly less equipment, if a member did that we would kindly remind them they need to wipe down the machine when they're done. I CANNOT believe this guy just left the machine like that. I finished my workout, managed to stop two people from using the machine before I could wipe it down myself, and then gave it a good wipe down before heading out.

A word to the not-so-wise gym goers out there, wipe down your equipment after you use it, it's called HYGIENE and COMMON FREAKING DECENCY! You wouldn't want me sweating all over your car's steering wheel, would you? That's probably how I caught my cold in the first place. It also reminds me to wipe down my machine before AND after I use it so I can prevent the spread of bacteria.

I'm still so thoroughly disgusted if I had spotted him on my way out, I would have told the gym staff what he did (even if they didn't give a shit, I would feel better). If I see him do it again I'm going to say something to him and to the staff.

Anyway, enough of my rant. Just remember, don't be a pig, wipe up your sweat when you're done working out!

-Nicole

Finally

So after two weeks of being sick, I am finally 98% better. I still have some stuff in my sinuses, but it's more than manageable, and definitely tolerable. Now that I'm better I'm looking forward to the gym tonight. I had planned to go this morning, but I wound up taking much longer to make breakfast and find a doctor I could get an appointment with. Which brings me to my next bit, I have finally scheduled an appointment with a doctor to get my thyroid checked, the only downside is it isn't until August. My insurance has pretty much next to zero doctors that are accepting new patients that aren't gynecologists or pediatricians, so it took me a little while to pick through the lists and find one. I'm a bit bummed out that I have to wait until August, but it does give me a bit of time to really try even harder to lose weight and keep it off. If I do have a thyroid issue, I'm not looking forward to potentially taking a medication to regulate it.

Since being sick, I gained back the weight I had lost and kept off for several weeks. People keep telling me I look like I am losing weight, but since my last weigh-in a week ago I went back up to 185. It's very frustrating, although I will admit that while sick I did eat out several times. I did choose healthy options of grilled fish, and steak with steamed vegetables instead of fries. I drank water instead of soda or tea. But on Friday it was Mike's birthday and I ate hamburgers and french fries from Danny's. And then I ate the chocolate peanut butter oreo ice cream cake I made. THAT was a huge mistake, I felt super ill. I also didn't eat lunch on Saturday and made up for it by eating an entire small pizza for dinner. Also a big mistake. I didn't feel good after those choices, which is a good sign, but I know to continue to avoid those foods.

I also started taking a B vitamin this weekend, so here's hoping for more energy. Since the weather is FINALLY starting to get nice again, we've been outside a lot more too! Tuesday we took a walk for an hour around the neighborhood, and Saturday and Sunday we went to the park. Yesterday before hitting the playground, we went for a walk around the pond at Beaver Brook, and I wore Eisley in my Wrapsody. It was definitely enjoyable, and I look forward to walking and wearing Eisley more and more this year.

I also went a bought a ton of fresh fruits and veggies, so I've been eating quite a few of those each day, which is wonderful! I'm so glad berries and pears and peaches are coming back in season!

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that is all for now!

-Nicole

Still Ill

I'm still sick. I haven't been able to stomach eating pretty much anything except bananas, sunflower seeds, ginger ale, plain white rice, tea, and oddly enough brownies. I'm going to attempt chicken soup as soon as it's finished cooking, so here's hoping that goes well.

I am a hot, coughing mess. So is my poor munchkin.

Keeping my spirits up and hoping we get better soon so I can get back to my routine. I haven't left the house at all this week :(

-Nicole

Oh Poo

I caught a cold. I don't know who I got it from, but it sucks! Since unlike most of humanity I prefer NOT to go places when I'm ill so as not to spread germs, I won't be hitting the gym until I'm feeling better. I will, however do some workouts at home to keep myself busy. Netflix is a total lifesaver for that!

I have a Pinterest board full of inspiration and fitness related stuff, so check it out: http://pinterest.com/nicole_sikora/mission-milfpossible/

Anyway, I am off to drink more green tea with honey before starting dinner. Yoga for dessert!

I Want Fab Abs

I hate the Winter. I am unmotivated and listless, and I just want to lay around all day. But, I've been trying to get to the gym and be active. Now that I've finally made progress with doing cardio, and can maintain a decent speed for a decent amount of time, I've started working on trying to tone. I did more yoga tonight, and came to the realization that I have zero muscle tone in my abs. I could hardly hold even the basic poses! I have quite a ways to go!

I am thoroughly exhausted, so I am off to bed so I can get to the gym bright and early tomorrow morning!

-N

Keep on Keeping on

I had a lazy weekend. I didn't have a car Thursday or Friday, so on Thursday I did yoga to curb my craving for sweets. I was so sore on Friday I used it as my off day. Saturday brought absolutely gross snow that was so thick it was slushy. I skipped leaving the house, because I hate driving through that stuff and I had orders to complete. Sunday morning Mike had the car, so again no gym. We did go to the mall and do a lap around, so my day wasn't completely without exercise. Saturday I also made brownies, because I had this crazy idea that I should put chili pepper chocolate into dark chocolate brownie mix. Turns out I was correct in thinking that they are DELICIOUS. But they are also super rich, and a small brownie is enough for me to feel almost sick, so I haven't devoured the pan yet (thankfully!).

I digress. Yesterday I got back to the gym, and I think Eisley is having a harder time with it than I am. She is miserable every time I leave her in the daycare. I feel awful, but is it wrong for me to just leave her screaming and crying hysterically so I can run for 20 minutes? Maybe it's the fact that we're weaning and she's teething. I don't know. She was such a rock star until I took her to the other gym in Shelton, and I had a feeling I should check on her and she was hysterical. Ever since then she hates being left at the childcare, even though I haven't brought her back to that one. I hope she gets over it soon.

I have a busy day ahead of me, gym and errands and then going to my mom's for a few hours!

-Nicole

Pinterest is the Devil

It isn't really the devil, but after spending 30 minutes looking at dessert recipes and DYING to make one, I decided to not do that and instead made myself a coffee and did some yoga (Thank you Netflix). Seriously, between mug brownies and home made peanut butter cups I was drooling like a basset hound. Gross!

I used to be halfway capable of doing some moderate difficulty poses. Now the basic ones are killing me! Haha. I know I'll get there, but gosh darnit I never thought I'd have trouble with the chair pose.

Now that my junk food craving is gone, I think I'll nibble on a square of chili chocolate and do some more yoga!

At least I'm doing something since I don't have the car tonight and can't get to the gym.

74 to go.

So I'm down to 180 lbs again, and this time I've stayed there for a couple of weeks! I've been getting back to the gym, even if it's for a short run most times I figure 2 miles is pretty good! I hit a new top speed today while doing the Mt. Kilimanjaro program on the elliptical, 6 mph! That is a huge improvement from my whopping 3 mph on my first time back to the gym in January, though it's still nothing compared to my normal pace of 9-10 mph that I used to run. I'm hoping that by May I will be back to that speed, and will be able to maintain it for at least 20 minutes. I'm also hoping that by May I will have lost enough to hit my first goal weight of 150 lbs. If I get there, I will be rewarding myself by going to see my piercer and getting something re-pierced.

My appetite has also finally started to diminish, so I'm not starving after eating a normal portion, which is awesome. I hope things continue on this path, because I'm quite pleased!

-Nicole

Sleep, Finally

So I have finally discovered that if Eisley sleeps in our bed the entire night, she doesn't beat me up nor does she need to nurse! So bring on the sleep!!!
Tonight I am going to hopefully go to the gym, Eisley permitting. Even if I only get 20 minutes of running in, it's better than nothing!

Weekend Update

I still have not gone to the gym since last week's breakdown. I instead went to the town library on Thursday morning for a toddler activity class, and then wound up staying there for a couple of hours. E still has not been sleeping well, which I am blaming on the 4 teeth still trying to bust through her gums. Her lack of sleep equals my lack of sleep, so I just have not had the energy to work out. It's a lame excuse, but I'm drinking huge cups of coffee on a daily basis just to keep myself going (Not to mention going to bed at like....10pm because I'm that tired).

Anyway, I won't be able to attempt a morning gym visit again until Thursday, so I'm going to try tomorrow night. My yo-yoing weight is at it again. I'm back down 6 pounds, and I'm hoping it's actual loss this time but who knows. I've been trying to be more active at home, i.e. running around the house with E, dancing and marching and jumping with her. I cannot wait until the Summer comes, because I will get back into the pool and go to the park again!

That's about all for now!


 -Nicole

Lazy Daisy

It's been a few days between posts. I've had a lot of personal issues happening that have kept me rather uninspired when it comes to blogging. I haven't been to the gym in a week. The last time I went, Eisley screamed in the daycare so hard and long that the girl came and got me off of the elliptical so I could take her home. I have been keeping active around the house as best I can. I'll be going back to the gym tomorrow when I'm feeling 100% again.
I feel stalled already, I'm not feeling any better about myself. I feel less and less motivated to work out and be active, and maybe that's just from being tormented at night by the baby, but I am just so tired all the time. I know proper sleep is a key ingredient in weight loss, but is it possible to lose while sleep deprived? I feel like it's just not happening for me.
I keep putting on weight despite having cut out soda, pretty much all junk food (I eat the occasional cookies and handful of goldfish crackers), and stopped eating at restaurants unless it is a family dinner. I know being healthy is about balance, which I'm definitely close to achieving. I've cut down my carbs (which if you know me personally, you know I LOVE pasta and bread), and upped my fruits, veggies, nuts and meats/fish. I'm even trying to avoid frying foods.
My mom gave me her Weight Watchers cookbook, so I'm going to start using recipes from there too. 

At the rate I'm going, I'm still going to be in maternity jeans and a skirted swimsuit by June and I am so not looking forward to that.

Junk Foodie

I went on a little junk food bender this weekend. I couldn't help it. I went to the gym and worked out, and burned more calories and went faster than I have in a very long time. It felt good, but I have been feeling awful. Tired and unmotivated. So I turned to the junk. I made some Tollhouse cookies, ate fried chicken, and french fries. AND I broke my no soda rule! I am wicked ashamed. I just want to hibernate. I'm still trying so hard to work out and portion my meals, buuut I am still not seeing any results. I am quitting cookies after this last batch is finished off. I hate my never-ending sweet tooth, because fruit definitely doesn't do it for me.

Enough complaints, tomorrow is a new day and since Mike and I agreed that I can have the unlimited childcare pass for three months I will be able to take Eisley to the gym with me in the morning when I have actual energy. Beth and I are gym partners again, so I've started doing a little bit of weights again too. Friday is grocery night again, so more fish and veggies and fruits for me. Woo!

-Nicole

Back on track

Just a quick little update:
I finally got back to the gym tonight, even though it was only for about half an hour. It feels great to work out again, but it's been so hard to muster the energy when I'm not sleeping well. I'm feeling a bit down due to the fact that I gained back a couple of pounds since last week. I'm trying so hard to NOT weigh myself frequently, but I think once a week is a fair way to track any progress. So I'm almost back at square one.
It seriously makes me want to just go and eat like a dozen cookies. 
I'm going to just try harder instead, and if in a few more weeks I haven't made any substantial loss I'm going to seek medical advice.

-Nicole

Maternity Jeans and Utter Denial

One of my dirtiest secrets has been the fact that I still wear maternity jeans. Only close friends and some family are aware. Actually, almost all of my pants are maternity because I have that disgusting floppy paunch in front thanks to my c-section scar. I've been told that it NEVER goes away, no matter how skinny you are. I think I could deal with wearing size 16 jeans if it weren't for the saggy chunk of my belly that would be forced under the waistline giving me that completely undesirable look known as the FUPA. A FUPA, for those of you who may be uninformed is an acronym for Fat Upper Pussy Area (Replace pussy with penis if you're referring to a dude). Obviously you have seen, or know people who suffer from this. I have REFUSED to be one. A few months ago, after it seemed as though I was back on track and losing weight Mike dragged me to try on normal pants. The ones that did zip up over my gut looked horrendous, so much so that I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I went right back to my maternity jeans, and have refused to consider regular pants until my stomach goes down significantly, ie: where I don't have to tuck sagging skin below the waist.

Everyone who knows about this tells me I should just suck it up and go to Lane Bryant and buy some properly fitting clothes. My argument is that I don't plan on staying this way, so why should I throw a ton of money down the crapper for comfort, when in my opinion it will only encourage me to slack off and remain obese? I think my point is logical, but nobody else really agrees.

I know I am in denial, there's no arguing that I refuse to admit I'm bigger than how I feel, but I feel like my normal self trapped in a significantly larger body.

I know I'm not the only woman who has dealt with excessive baby weight, but I seriously cannot take hearing any more bragging from all the girls who have given birth after me bragging about how they fit back into their size 2 jeans again after like....3 weeks. It makes me so jealous, I can't even stand to leave the house most days meanwhile they get to wear normal clothing. Even my mom bragged to me about how she left the hospital in her pre-pregnancy jeans after having me. Thanks MOM!

Sorry for the rant, but sometimes I just need to get stuff like this off of my chest. Hopefully in a few months time, this won't be an issue.

-Nicole

Snow Day

I had a bad week this past week. I was naughty.
After an awesome start on Saturday and Sunday at the gym, the irate little person who shares the bed with Mike (boyfriend) and I decided that sleep was not an option...and instead of getting some rest, I got punched in the face repeatedly by tiny fists and slapped on the forehead by tiny hands. Needless to say, I skipped the gym on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday was Mommy and Me, and I got to chase Eisley around for an hour. Thursday and Friday brought more sleepless nights and laziness, so I skipped the gym again. What's worse, Mike brought home doughnuts for me. If you know me, you know I have a serious sweet tooth (I keep a stash of chocolate for when cravings strike), and I have a hard time resisting the urge to make cookies. So this past week I ate cookies and doughnuts instead of fruit and yogurt.

Yesterday morning I woke up ready and raring to go to the gym, but as anyone in the Northeast is aware, Mother Nature decided to dump about 4 inches of snow on us. After the snow stopped, I asked Mike if I could do the shoveling instead of him. He looked at me as though I had five heads, and we had a somewhat heated debate about why I wanted to shovel. I simply love to shovel snow, and I could reeeeeally use the exercise. I spent about two hours shoveling and scraping up the snow from the driveway. I loved it. Our neighbor offered to use his snow blower to help me, and when I turned him down because I was doing it for exercise he raised his eyebrow and shrugged before turning back around. After finishing I rewarded myself with a hot bath and a cup of green tea. Surprisingly I had no appetite even though it was dinner time.

This morning I woke up for the third and final time, and I actually feel awesome. I was assuming I would feel far worse due to how much shoveling I did, but I'm glad I don't. I hope it snows more this winter so I can shovel some more!

Also, since I am a total foodie, I am always coming up with recipes to try out, so here's one I made for lunch yesterday:

Ingredients:
16 oz large uncooked easy peel shrimp
1 cup water
5 tablespoons of low sodium soy sauce
1 tablespoon of honey (or your choice of sweetener)
1 teaspoon of garlic powder/ fresh crushed garlic
1 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 teaspoon of chili powder
1 teaspoon oil (vegetable/canola/coconut/etc)
16 oz broccoli (I LOVE the easy steamer bags)
Rice (Optional)

I love rice, so I made some to go with this meal.

1. Clean and peel the shrimp, set them aside. (If you are making fresh broccoli, clean it and chop it up and set it aside.)
2. Preheat a wok to medium high, and add the oil of your choice, when the wok is ready to go add the shrimp, and chili powder. (If you are using fresh broccoli, set a pot of water to boil)
3. In a bowl add the soy sauce, water, garlic, black pepper, and honey. Mix it well and set aside.
4. When the shrimp have taken a slightly pinkish color, add the soy sauce mixture to the wok and turn up  the heat. Let the shrimp cook in the juices for 3-5 minutes, and then drain. Set the wok back on the burner on a medium low heat, and continue to cook the shrimp for 5-7 minutes or until it is a bright pink/orange color. (If you're using the fresh broccoli, it should be cooking by this point)
5. Once everything is cooked to your liking, serve how you wish! ((One serving of shrimp is around 7 shrimp)) This should serve 4-6 people depending on various appetites!

Hope you enjoy the recipe!

-Nicole

Portion Control THIS!

One of the most difficult things I have encountered so far in my quest to reclaim a size 4 dress has been learning exactly how much a correct portion really is. As an American, I have been conditioned to believe that a plate full of food is an accurate depiction of how much food I should be eating. Sadly, I know this not to be the case. Previously I never had an issue with eating an entire plate of food, but since I am trying to change my lifestyle in order to get fit, I am paying more attention to how much I consume.
I know eventually my body will become accustomed to eating normal sized portions, but for the time being after a meal my body just keeps telling me I am hungry. It drives me CRAZY! I often have to fight off the urge to take a second helping of whatever meal I've eaten to satisfy my hunger, and instead wait a couple of hours to have a small snack between meals. Some days I just don't care enough to fight it, and I'll have a setback and eat a double portion of breakfast or lunch. It's a great motivator to get my ass to the gym.
Some people might think I'm insane for actually reading the nutrition fact labels on foods before eating them, but it's certainly helped me gain perspective on how much I have been overeating for years. For example, when I would order a pizza (usually a large), I would eat pretty much the whole thing in one sitting, plus a liter of cola (I don't want a large Farva, I want a god damned liter a cola!!!), but somehow I still managed to hover around the same weight for years. I now realize that normal people eat a slice, maybe two because that is a normal portion. Maybe pizza is a bad example, since I'm currently avoiding it unless it's a tortilla pizza I've made, but it gives a pretty good example of the challenge I'm facing.
Making meals for myself and Eisley (my daughter) presents some challenges as well, since sometimes E decides she isn't interested in eating her portion, but wants to share it with mama. I used to happily oblige, sometimes secretly hoping she would offer me a piece of those raviolis I love so much. Now when she refuses to eat, and offers it to me I politely decline and let her drop it on the floor instead.
For the record, I'm not starving myself by any means, since usually about half an hour after I've eaten my body finally gets the message that I am in fact NOT hungry anymore. Talk about delayed signals. If I do still feel hungry after half an hour, I'll eat a snack (I love those times)!

Anyway, I've gone and written another novel! One last thing, since two weeks ago when I started working out again I've lost about 4 lbs, which is a slow start but I'm excited!

-Nicole

A little introduction

It's been fourteen months since I had my daughter. It's been fourteen months of me standing in front of the full-length mirror scrutinizing my naked body looking for even the smallest possible signs of any weight loss. It has been fourteen months of attempting to eat healthy, cut my portions, and balance it with raising a child. And it has been fourteen months of disappointment, disgust, and shame. Enough is enough, so this is my attempt at holding myself 100% accountable for everything I put into my body.

Before I got pregnant I had my idea of a nearly perfect body. Big boobs, a curvy figure, and shapely legs. I worked out regularly, and even quit my job as a hairstylist to work at a gym in hopes of continuing to improve upon my fitness regime.

Well, I was sadly mistaken. The MINUTE I told my manager that I was pregnant, he saw it as a moment of weakness and forced me from my job into one of a sedentary nature for only a few short hours a day. I became depressed, and because I was pregnant I used it as an excuse to eat more than normal. I weighed myself daily to track my weight gain throughout my pregnancy, until I hit 175lbs near my 8th month. After that, I stopped because I didn't dare watch the scale continue to go up. By the time I had my last prenatal appointment, I tipped the scales at 200lbs. I shrugged it off, since I was retaining quite a bit of fluid and had an enormous bump I figured I would lose at least 15lbs after delivery. I planned to breastfeed, and that was a SURE thing to aid in losing weight.

After having my daughter, and having everything go completely wrong with my labor and delivery I had a longer than expected recovery from a Cesarian section. I was extremely bloated, and had a difficult time getting around for weeks. At my 6 week post-partum appointment, I weighed in at 179lbs. A good start!

Unfortunately, that was about as far as I have made it, and in fact I have gained 8 more pounds since then. I have been struggling for the last year with severe body issues, aches and pains in my joints, and an overall hatred for my post-baby body.

I am finally on the right track now. I am using a combination of portion control, exercise, and eating healthy to get back to a healthy weight and a normal shape. I hope by the time summer rolls around, I will have reached my first weight loss goal of 25 lbs or more. By this time next year, I am hoping to be back down to a healthy weight for my height, which is between 105- and 115 lbs.

Sorry for the novel, but that's everything about me for now!