Doctor Follow-Up

So I had my follow-up with my doctor today. She had me keep a food journal, and sent me for blood work.

She tested my cholesterol, my thyroid, my fasting glucose, and a couple of other things.

They all came back pretty much perfect, except my cholesterol, which is slightly elevated for bad, and slightly low for the good.

In the three weeks between visits, I didn't gain or lose any weight. I went back to the gym even harder than before, did as she asked and upped my calories, and tried to eat as healthy as possible.

She says I'm not eating enough fruits and veggies, which I sort of knew. Some days, I just don't get to it.

I also need to cut honey out of my morning tea and replace it with stevia.

But other than that, I'm just...obese.

I also lost my gym partner to grad school, and haven't found a new one, which leaves me less motivated. I hate the judgmental stares (real and imagined) I get from people, and they're certainly easier to ignore when I have someone with me. I'm more self-conscious than I was before.

Most of my workout clothes had to be thrown out because the seams in the thighs burst open from wear. That's definitely an enormous blow to my ego, it's like "Hey fatty fatty, just give up, we can't contain your disgusting cottage cheese thighs with mere cotton thread."

I'm sad, and I want to cry. I still feel like garbage most days, but I push through it and go to the gym even if it's only for half an hour. I ate a klondike bar tonight to make myself feel better.

I am not on the right path.